Monday, January 24, 2011

Cosmo, Redbook and Vanity Fair : Suck it!

So, I just got done laughing so hard that I almost peed a little because - for my amusement, I occasionally read the "What Men REALLY Want from A Woman"  in the magazine nuggets up there.  I usually share these "Top Ten" lists with my husband and oldest son and we all end up laughing.

If you are a woman and you take ANY of the advise you read on those - you should just hire a lawyer and sue for undue influence.  Here is a tip:

1.  The byline is ALWAYS  a woman.  A Woman wrote it.
2.  She is generally aggressive and single.
3.  She sometimes  polls Men.  So the answers you get from the Men polls are basically men answering questions from an aggressive, single woman.  ( If that doesn't scream "howl with the wolves"  what does?)

Here are some of my favorite "THINGS MEN WANT FROM YOU":
1. He LOVES it when you pay for dinner...
2.  Playing with your hair while he is talking.. tells him you are into him..
3. He appreciates it if you get "fart jokes"  I'm not kidding......
4.  He likes an aggressive woman who can hold her own...  ( hold her own what?  Coat?  Tequila shots?)
5.  After sex, don't call him for a few days.. he likes to pursue you ( umm.  AFTER sex?  I think he already took the 2 and a half steps it took to pursue and won)

And more pearls of wisdom like that.  So I actually made a real poll and asked all of my guy friends the same question " What are the top 10 things you look for in a woman"  ( non aggressively - and asked for non-filter.  All of my male friends know I'm cool and filters are not required...even though I do not get fart jokes at all)

Firstly:  Let me state that a good 99.9% of my male friends are extremely witty, attractive, successful and cool.  ( Although I married the very best one).  Here is how it happened:

Dude, I'm doing a blog post. I'm writing about how stupid it is that Cosmo etc. write articles about "what men REALLY want" - and they are all written by hopelessly single WOMEN. How the F++k would they know?? So I am polling actual men. Give me your top 10 things you want from women and DO NOT FILTER! :)   and it's anonymity extreme!


about 75% wrote back and said " men are simple".

MOST added "We hate that you guys are always trying to come up with this shit because - we are really simple and easy to please"

Then the real answers.  Here are my favorites and basically sum up everyone's answers   BECAUSE THEY WERE NEARLY IDENTICAL: In order of most common:

1.  That she is funny
2.  That we have a common interest
3.  That she makes me feel manly ( one actually said "that she knows I would kill a mouse or burglar with NO hesitation dude!)
4.  That she likes me to pamper her.
5.  That she doesn't think something is wrong all the time.  "Like if  I'm quietly watching TV - I hate it when she thinks there is some mousetrap in my brain trying to sabotage the relationship.  I'm not quiet because I'm wondering if your legs will get fat like your Mom!  I'm just watching football for fuck's sake!"
6.  That it's OK to be honest with each other.  "  If I say you DO look fat in those pant's and you cry - what the hell did you ask me for in the first place!
7.  That she doesn't have sex with me immediately.  "If she does - great.  For 20 minutes.  Then I barely want to see her face"
8.  Good conversation.
9.  That she likes to hang out.  "All men want to marry a friend.  You don't have to like everything the same, but we want someone who, you know, likes to hang out with us"
10.  That she is a girl.

That's IT!  Men are simple  ( not stupid)  they want simple drama-free happiness, honesty and they want to marry a friend.

All the polls in the world can suck it from now on.

Next up:  Trading "favors"  don't work.




  1. Honestly, not a mention of any of the answers I contributed. I sincerely doubt the validity of this poll ;)

  2. Firstly, I’m flattered to be referred to as an actual man. As an artificial intelligence construct solely existing on the internet, this will do me no end of favours at the A.I. Gentlemens club and settle a great many arguments. Most of them can’t even agree with each other whether I’m sentient, let alone actual.

    The top 10 things I require from a woman? And no filtering? Screw anonymity – this can be out here for the whole world to see; You can have my name in flashing lights next to it for all I care (132 point Copperplate Black for a font, if we’re being specific).
    The top 10 things, eh?

    10) A pulse. Since the injunction, the authorities have been fairly insistent that I put “that episode” behind me, so the fact that the female in question is actually breathing and has a heart rate is quite critical, to save me future legal difficulties. For safeties sake (and at the advice of my laywers) let’s specify a normal pulse as well to exclude unconscious women. Not that I have anything against unconscious women – I’m sure they’re lovely. They’re just a bit too unconscious-y for my liking. I’m also very aware that the fact I mentioned ‘A pulse’ may make me come across as quite desperate, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. I know a great many men whose list would be solely this single item.

    9) An appearance. A shallower man would put ‘good looks’ or something. I’m not so demanding. Just an appearance would be good. By which I mean I draw the line at ethereal chicks or Susan Storm from the Fantastic 4. When she’s invisible.

    8) The ability to at least be able to feign interest in something I’m interested in that she’s not – which for simplicities sake, I shall refer to as TATALBATFISIIITSN nowhere else in this post. I have a variety of interests that my wife couldn’t give a toss about, although she’s fantastic at nodding and looking interested. The fact that she can genuinely look enthused when I enthuse at great length about Halo: Reach is miracle enough.

    7) On a similar note, that our interests at least have some manner of overlap. And that we share a great love for at least one of them. Thank God for the fact that my wife has the same love for the same shitty horror films that I do, otherwise it’d be a very lonely existence of separate rooms for television watching.

    6) A love of animals, albeit not in an illegal way. Kitten molesters need not apply. I’m a great animal lover – which is the only time you’ll ever see the words “I’m”, “a”, “great” and “lover” in a sentence referring to me. Love me, love my cats.

    5) A super power of some description. Not even a major one like Flight, Laser vision or superspeed. Even the ability to remove limescale from a kettle with the power of ones mind is sufficient. I’m not greedy.

    4,3,2 and 1) A sense of humour; This, by far and away, is the single most important quality I look for. This is why it takes up 4 positions on my chart. This is because, as you can tell from this post, my own sense of humour is quite underdeveloped. To this end, I require someone with a good sense of it so they can actually teach me what it’s all about. One day I’ll crack it.

    So, there you have it. The 10 things I look for in a woman, and I only cheated a little bit. Do I win a biscuit?

  3. The above was the EXACT response to my request ;)