Monday, January 24, 2011

Cosmo, Redbook and Vanity Fair : Suck it!

So, I just got done laughing so hard that I almost peed a little because - for my amusement, I occasionally read the "What Men REALLY Want from A Woman"  in the magazine nuggets up there.  I usually share these "Top Ten" lists with my husband and oldest son and we all end up laughing.

If you are a woman and you take ANY of the advise you read on those - you should just hire a lawyer and sue for undue influence.  Here is a tip:

1.  The byline is ALWAYS  a woman.  A Woman wrote it.
2.  She is generally aggressive and single.
3.  She sometimes  polls Men.  So the answers you get from the Men polls are basically men answering questions from an aggressive, single woman.  ( If that doesn't scream "howl with the wolves"  what does?)

Here are some of my favorite "THINGS MEN WANT FROM YOU":
1. He LOVES it when you pay for dinner...
2.  Playing with your hair while he is talking.. tells him you are into him..
3. He appreciates it if you get "fart jokes"  I'm not kidding......
4.  He likes an aggressive woman who can hold her own...  ( hold her own what?  Coat?  Tequila shots?)
5.  After sex, don't call him for a few days.. he likes to pursue you ( umm.  AFTER sex?  I think he already took the 2 and a half steps it took to pursue and won)

And more pearls of wisdom like that.  So I actually made a real poll and asked all of my guy friends the same question " What are the top 10 things you look for in a woman"  ( non aggressively - and asked for non-filter.  All of my male friends know I'm cool and filters are not required...even though I do not get fart jokes at all)

Firstly:  Let me state that a good 99.9% of my male friends are extremely witty, attractive, successful and cool.  ( Although I married the very best one).  Here is how it happened:

Dude, I'm doing a blog post. I'm writing about how stupid it is that Cosmo etc. write articles about "what men REALLY want" - and they are all written by hopelessly single WOMEN. How the F++k would they know?? So I am polling actual men. Give me your top 10 things you want from women and DO NOT FILTER! :)   and it's anonymity extreme!


about 75% wrote back and said " men are simple".

MOST added "We hate that you guys are always trying to come up with this shit because - we are really simple and easy to please"

Then the real answers.  Here are my favorites and basically sum up everyone's answers   BECAUSE THEY WERE NEARLY IDENTICAL: In order of most common:

1.  That she is funny
2.  That we have a common interest
3.  That she makes me feel manly ( one actually said "that she knows I would kill a mouse or burglar with NO hesitation dude!)
4.  That she likes me to pamper her.
5.  That she doesn't think something is wrong all the time.  "Like if  I'm quietly watching TV - I hate it when she thinks there is some mousetrap in my brain trying to sabotage the relationship.  I'm not quiet because I'm wondering if your legs will get fat like your Mom!  I'm just watching football for fuck's sake!"
6.  That it's OK to be honest with each other.  "  If I say you DO look fat in those pant's and you cry - what the hell did you ask me for in the first place!
7.  That she doesn't have sex with me immediately.  "If she does - great.  For 20 minutes.  Then I barely want to see her face"
8.  Good conversation.
9.  That she likes to hang out.  "All men want to marry a friend.  You don't have to like everything the same, but we want someone who, you know, likes to hang out with us"
10.  That she is a girl.

That's IT!  Men are simple  ( not stupid)  they want simple drama-free happiness, honesty and they want to marry a friend.

All the polls in the world can suck it from now on.

Next up:  Trading "favors"  don't work.



Sunday, January 23, 2011

Wanna know why you're still single???

Ladies, please.  If I had a dime for every time I had a friend complain that all men are losers or pricks or that some random guy just "fucked them and left" (boo hoo)  I would be rich.
What slays me with equal annoyance are the absolutely fantastic girls friends I have who are witty - successful, hot and sensual.  All with LOSER boyfriends.  Why?

The following:

1.  I remember an amazing Cosby Show episode that I watched when I was like 9 or 10.  It had lasting memories and penetrated what was to become my mantra when dating a real person, instead of Shawn Cassidy.  In it, Dad Cosby is annoyed with his daughters choice of Fiance'.  To explain, he says ( and this is the part to perk your eyes up over)   " Imagine a BEAUUtiful Steak!  Imagine it covered with anything you love!!  Mushrooms, sauteed onions, Oscar - anything!  MMMM.  Sound good?  Now let's say I presented it to you on a garbage can lid".

Did I make the point clear?  Some of my amazing girlfriends - present themselves on a garbage can lid.  A hungry man will still eat it.  He's just going to be a bit embarrassed that he did.  And he will treat you like the garbage you promised you were.

more to come